TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Of course, confident, let's have A different spot exactly where American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: give Every person a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that Trump Tower Damascus he really should end employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

Report this page